Ed Wood (1994) English subtitles @ 25 fps
Greetings, my friend.
You are interested in the unknown,
the mysterious, the unexplainable...
That is why you are here.
And now, for the first time...
we are bringing you the full story of what happened.
We are giving you all the evidence
based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls
who survived this terrifying ordeal.
The incidents, places...
My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer.
Can your heart stand the shocking facts
of the true story
of Edward D. Wood, Jr.?
It's 8:15. We can't hold the curtain any longer.
Cripes, what am I gonna tell the cast? It's press night and there's no press!
- Do you believe in ghosts? - Nah, Tommy.
That's just kiddie spook stories.
Once you're dead, you stay dead.
I don't know, Bill.
Out on that battlefield today, I saw this woman dressed in white,
floating above the dunes.
Maybe it was just fatigue or maybe it's the indignities of war.
Or maybe it's something else.
Hey, I think I see something.
I offer you, mortals, the bird of peace
so that you may change your ways
and end this destruction.
What a show! Everyone was terrific.
Paul, your second act monologue actually gave me the chills.
- Oh, thanks, Eddie. - I got the early edition, hot off the presses!
This is the big moment.
- Oh, what does that old queen know? She didn't even show.
Sent her copy boy to do the dirty work.
- Screw you, Miss Crowley. - Do I really have a face like a horse?
What does "ostentatious" mean?
Hey, it's not that bad. You can't concentrate on the negative.
Look, he's got some nice things to say here.
"The soldiers' costumes are very realistic." That's positive!
- Rave of the century. - Well, I've seen a lot worse reviews.
I've seen reviews where they didn't even mention the costumes.
Like that last Francis the Mule picture. It got terrible notices.
- Huge hit! - Lines around the block.
That's right. Don't take it too seriously. We're all doing great work.
- Do you really think so? - Absolutely.
Honey, what if I'm wrong?
- What if I just don't got it? - Ed, it was only one review.
Orson Welles was only 26 when he made Citizen Kane.
I'm already 30.
Ed, you're still young,
and this is the time in your life when you're supposed to be struggling.
I know. But I'm just scared it's not going to get any better than this.
Oh, I hate having to wake up this early.
Gosh, where's my pink sweater?
I can never seem to find my clothes any more.
Hey, big shot! Get off your ass and get this over to the executive building.
- Sure thing, Mr Kravitz. - Hey, Charlie, come here, come here!
What did I tell ya about watering these plants, eh? I want some water on 'em!
Don't sprinkle the damn things! Soak 'em!
Hi.
All right, people, settle. And... action!
Wow! Look at these camels!
These are real camels!
- Gosh, where'd they get real camels? - Hey, you!
Move it outta here, huh?
Hey, Eddie! Come in here. I got some great new stuff to show you.
This is fantastic. What are you gonna do with it?
- Probably file it away and never see it again. - Ah, it's such a waste.
Why, if I had half the chance, I could make an entire movie using this stock footage.
The story opens on these mysterious explosions.
Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo.
So the military are called in to solve the mystery.
- You forgot the octopus. - No, no. I'm saving that for my big underwater climax.
Hello.
They say he was a girl trapped in a man's body.
- I bet it hurt when they cut his thing off. - Ugh!
What are you ladies gabbin' about?
You know that Christine Jorgensen freak? He... she... it's in Variety.
Some producer's making a biopic.
Really? I didn't read that story.
Yes, I've got Mr Edward Wood on the line.
Could you please hold?
Mr Weiss? Ed Wood here.
Listen, I heard about your new project and I was curious if you'd signed a director yet.
Oh, you haven't!
Well, if we could get together, I could explain to you
why I'm more qualified to direct this than anyone else in town.
Well, I'd rather not go into that over the phone.
All right. Great!
I'll see you then. Bye!
Eddie, I don't understand.
Why are you the most qualified director for the Christine Jorgensen story?
Oh, it's just hogwash, hon. I had to get into the door somehow.
No, I love you like a brother.
No, no, no. No, no, no. That's a falsehood!
Come in!
Look, look, when I said you could have the western territories, I didn't mean all 11 states!
I meant California, Oregon, and what's that one on top?
Washington, yeah, yeah!
Wha... Oh, really?
Well, screw you!
Hi. Can I help you?
Yes. I'm Ed Wood. I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture.
Well, a couple of things have changed.
It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more.
Goddamn Variety had to print the story before I got the rights.
- Now that bitch is asking for the sky. - Ah, you're not gonna make the movie.
No, of course I'm gonna make the picture. I already presold Alabama and Oklahoma.
Those repressed Okies, they go for that twisted, perverted stuff.
We'll just do it without the she-male. We'll fictionalize it.
- Is there a script? - Fuck no. But, there's a poster.
It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa.
Well, Mr Weiss, look no further. I'm your man.
I work fast and I'm a deal. I write and direct. And I'm good.
I just did a play in Hollywood and Victor Crowley himself praised its realism.
There's about 500 guys in this town that can say the same thing.
On the phone you said you had some special qualifications?
Mr Weiss...
I have never told anyone
what I'm about to tell you.
But I really want this job.
I like to dress in women's clothing.
You're a fruit?
No, not at all. I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.
- You're not a fruit. - No, I'm all man. I even fought in WW II.
Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.
You got to be kidding me.
Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassiere and panties.
I tell you, I wasn't scared of being killed, but I was terrified of getting wounded
and having the medics discover my secret.
- So you think this qualifies you to make my movie? - Yes!
I know what it's like to live with a secret
and worry about what people are gonna think of you.
My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.
Ed, you seem like a nice kid. Look around you.
I don't hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories.
I make movies like Chained Girls.
I need someone with experience who can shoot a film in four days and make me a profit.
I'm sorry. That's all that matters.
Can I get you anything else, kid?
Too constrictive! I can't even fold my arms.
Gee, Mr Lugosi, I've never had any complaints.
This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in.
Your selection is quite shoddy. You're wasting my time!
- Mr Lugosi? - I told you I don't want any of your goddamn coffins!
No, no! I don't work here.
- Then who are you? What do you want? - I don't want anything.
- I'm just a really big, big fan. I've seen all your movies. - Bah!
- Mr Lugosi, why are you buying a coffin? - I'm planning on dying soon.
- No! - Yes! I'm embarking on another bus and truck tour of Dracula.
Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable.
Do you know that I saw you perform Dracula in Poughkeepsie in 1938?
- That was a terrible production. Renfield was a drunk! - I thought it was great.
You know, you're much scarier in real life than you are in the movie.
Thank you.
I even waited outside to get your autograph, but you never came out.
Well, I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance.
It takes me much time to reemerge.
Oh, there's my bus. Shit, where is my transfer?
- Say, don't you have a car? - I refuse to drive in this country.
Too many madmen.
I've got a car.
Boy, Mr Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life.
- When is your next picture coming out? - I have no next picture.
You gotta be joking. A great star like you, you must have dozens of 'em lined up.
Back in the old days, yes.
But now, no one gives two fucks for Bela.
- But you're a big star. - No more.
I haven't worked in four years.
This business, this town, it chews you up, then spits you out.
I'm just an ex-bogeyman. Make a right.
They don't want the classic horror films any more.
Today, it's all giant bugs.
Giant spiders, giant grasshoppers.
Who would believe such nonsense?
The old ones were much spookier, they had castles and full moons.
They were mythic.
- They had a poetry to them. - Yes.
And you know what else? The women...
The women prefer the traditional monsters.
The women. Huh.
The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them.
Because in their collective unconsciousness
they have the agony of childbirth.
The blood... The blood is horror.
You know, I never thought of that.
Take my word for it.
If you want to make out with a young lady
you take her to see Dracula.
Eh, what a mess.
My wife of 20 years left me last month.
I'm not much of a housekeeper.
- All right, I'm coming. I'll feed you, my darlings, I'll feed you. - I'd better get going.
But perhaps we could get together again some time, Mr Lugosi.
Certainly.
But now, the children of the night are calling me.
Uh...
- Good day. - Good day.
Sweetie, you won't believe it. I've got incredible news.
- You got the job! - No, I didn't get the job.
- But something better happened. - Better than not getting the job.
Yes! I met a movie star.
- Somebody really big. - Who? Robert Taylor?
No. A horror movie star.
- Boris Karloff? - Close.
The other one.
You met... Basil Rathbone!
Oh, to heck with you. I met Bela Lugosi.
- Why, I thought he was dead. - No, he's very much alive.
Well...
sort of.
He's old and frail, but he's still Bela Lugosi and he's really nice.
- I can't even remember the last time I saw him in a picture. - It's a shame.
He's such a great actor and no one uses him any more.
- So, did you get his autograph? - No, it wasn't like that at all.
It was just the two of us and we were talking. He treated me like a friend.
- Yeah, well, he's a bum. - No, he's not.
Do you have any idea how much money he made for this studio?
Dracula, The Black Cat, The Raven...
Yeah? Well, now he's a junkie. He don't deserve to work.
- That is not true! - He's so great, you hire him.
Yeah, well, I would if I could.
- Trick or treat! - The house looks like they have lots of kids.
Ooh, those eyes. He gives me the willies.
Uh, I hate it when she interrupts the picture.
She doesn't show 'em the proper respect.
I think she's a honey.
Look at those jugs.
But he stood me up at the restaurant.
I guess I shouldn't have picked a steak house.
And then I went out with the Wolf Man. Ugh! What an evening.
- I didn't know whether to kiss him good night... - Vampira...
you will come under my spell.
You will be my slave of love.
My gosh, Bela! How do you do that?
You must be double-jointed.
And you must be Hungarian.
Vampira, look at me.
Look into my eyes.
You're watching our Halloween movie, White Zombie,
starring Bela Lugosi, John Harron, Madge Bellamy
and a bunch of other people I've never heard of.
I'm very tired.
I need to take my medicine.
- Do you want me to get it for you? - No.
Thank you, Eddie. I'll be all right.
Oh, shit.
I feel much better!
Children! I love children!
Trick or treat!
Aren't you scared, little boy?
I'm going to drink your blood.
You're not a real vampire.
Those teeth don't frighten me.
How about these?
Hey, how'd you do that?
Dentures. Lost my pearlies in the war.
So, what was the important news you couldn't tell me on the phone, again?
Well I started thinking about what you were saying about how your movies need to make a profit.
What is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?
- Tits. - No, better than that. A star.
Kid, you must have me confused with David Selznick.
I don't make major motion pictures, I make crap.
Yes! But if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something.
- Yeah. Crap with a star. - No, something better!
Something impressive.
Maybe the biggest money-maker you've ever had.
Fine, all right.
You may be right, but it doesn't fricking matter.
I can't afford a star, so what are we even talking about?
All right. What if I told you you could have a star for $1,000?
Who?
- Lugosi? - Yes! Lugosi!
- Isn't he dead? - No, he's not dead. He lives in Baldwin Hills.
I met him recently and he really wants to be in our movie.
Why would Lugosi want to do a sex change flick?
Because he's my friend!
All right, fine! You can direct it.
I want a script in three days. We start shooting a week from Monday.
Oh, Mr Weiss, thank you so much. You won't regret it. I won't let you down.
But Bunny, you're perfect for this job. You know these people.
I need all the transsexuals and transvestites I can get.
No, I don't care if they're not actors. I want realism!
I want this film to tell the truth.
Coming!
I've waited all my life for this shot, and I'm not gonna blow it.
- Eddie, you got a new movie for me, eh? - Yes!
It's gonna be a great picture and you'll love your character. Have a seat.
Listen, Bunny? Bela's here. I gotta go.
Listen, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites!
I need transvestites! All right. Bye.
Eddie, what kind of a movie is this?
Well, it's about how people have two personalities:
the side they show to the world, and then the secret person they hide inside.
Like Jekyll and Hyde. I've always wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde.
I'm looking forward to this production.
Well, your part's a little different.
You're like the god that looks over all the characters and oversees everything.
I don't understand.
You control everyone's fate. You're like the puppetmaster.
- Ah, so I pull the strings! - Yes, you pull the strings.
"Pull the strings." I like that!
Honey!
I got a little surprise for you.
Wipe off your hands.
- I finished my script. - Oh!
Ed, I'm so proud of you!
I'll read it as soon as I get home.
Well, I'd really like to know what you think.
Why don't you go in the bedroom and take a look? I'll wait.
Go ahead.
Take your time.
So that's where my sweater's been.
How long have you been doing this?
Since I was a kid.
My mom wanted a girl, so she used to dress me in girlie clothing.
Just became a habit.
Jesus Christ! And you never told me?
Well, this is my way of telling you.
What, by putting it in a fucking script for everyone to see?
What kind of sick mind operates like that?
And what about this, this so-called Barbara character
that's obviously me?
I mean, this is our life. It's so embarrassing!
- Of course it is. That's why you should play the part. - Oh, you got nerve, buddy.
- It's a darn good role. - That's not the issue!
God, how can you act so casual when you're dressed like that?
It makes me feel comfortable.
Oh, just like in the script.
Exactly.
So, what do you say?
Do we break up?
Or do you want to make the movie with me?
They make you tall, and you're flashy. They want that.
Okay. But they want professionalism, so nix on the Nelly
without losing naivete, okay?
Now, the good news is you're probably going to get hired because you look like Peggy Lee.
But I don't want anybody else to resent that, okay? Please?
'Cause there's enough for everybody, exotics too.
All right, because if you're not going to smile, please don't bother. You'll embarrass me.
This is George Weiss. He's done some very important things; he's a nice person to know.
- An important person to know. - I thought you were gonna make a sex change film!
- It's still a sex change film. - Yeah! Five pages before it ends!
- The rest is about some schmuck who likes angora sweaters! - I don't think he's a schmuck.
What about this title? My poster says, I Changed My Sex...
So change the poster. Trust me, you'll be better off. This story's gonna grab people.
It's about this guy, he's crazy about this girl, but he likes to wear dresses.
Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn. This is drama!
Fine! Shoot whatever baloney you want.
Just make sure it's seven reels long.
Testing.
Excuse me. Can I get everyone's attention, please?
Could you gather around?
I've got something to say.
Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey: four days of hard work.
But when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten
and maybe even move millions of people.
Excuse me, Eddie. I don't mean to interrupt. I'm worried about the light.
Good thinking. All right, we'll talk about days three and four later.
Let's get that first shot off. Scene 17, Glenda looking in the window.
And... action!
And... cut!
- Print that! Let's move on! - Don't you want a second take for protection?
What's to protect? It was perfect! Come on!
Hey! Cops!
We don't have a permit. Run!
Come on. Let's go.
- What's going on with these revised pages? - Mr Lugosi's here.
Oh, my God! Mr Lugosi's here!
Everyone! Everyone!
Everyone, come on. Come in here.
Listen.
When he walks onto the stage, treat him normal.
I know Bela Lugosi's a world-famous star and you're all very excited
but look, we are professionals.
So, just treat him with respect. Everything will be all right.
Bela!
Great to see you! 8:00 on the dot. Right on time.
- I'm always on time. - Of course you are.
Well, we've got a big day planned for you.
But first we're gonna start out kinda easy with you in that armchair over there.
Then once you're up to speed and cooking, we'll reset and bring in the laboratory equipment.
- Eddie? - Huh?
- What about my money? - Huh? Oh.
What are you people doing? Get back to work!
All right, people. Let's get ready.
Mr Lugosi, I know you're very busy
but, um, can I have your autograph?
Certainly.
You know which movie of yours I love, Mr Lugosi? The Invisible Ray.
You were great as Karloff's sidekick.
Karloff?
Sidekick?
Fuck you!
Karloff does not deserve to smell my shit!
That limey cocksucker can rot in hell for all I care!
- What happened? - How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?
You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?
It's all make-up and, and, grunting.
I agree. Bela, I agree 100%
Now, Dracula, that's a role that requires talent.
Of course! Dracula requires presence.
It's all in the eyes and the voice
and the hand. - That's right. That's right.
You seem a little agitated. You wanna go outside and get some air?
Bullshit! I'm ready now. Roll the camera!
We're rolling.
- Sound. Speed. - Scene 97, take one. Mark.
Action.
Beware.
Beware of the big, green dragon
that sits on your doorstep.
He eats little boys,
puppy dog tails
and big, fat snails.
Beware.
Take care.
Beware.
Wait!
Pull the string! Pull the string!
Cut.
Perfect.
But Georgie, I'm proud. I wrote, directed and starred in it
just like Orson Welles did in Citizen Kane.
Yeah, well, Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he?
How can you just walk around like that in front of all these people?
Well, hon, nobody's bothered but you. Look around.
Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with a bunch of weirdos.
Oh, say it a little louder. I don't think Bela heard you.
Dolores.
I need your help.
My mind's in a muddle, like in a thick fog.
I thought I could stop wearing these things.
I tried. Honestly, I tried.
Glen.
I don't fully understand
but maybe together we can work this out.
Music swells. Cut and print!
It's a wrap.
How do you do? I'm here to see Mr Feldman.
What's your name?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
He's in the executive building.
- You can park in the reserved section. - Thanks very much.
- Please, sit down. - Thanks.
So, what are you bringing me? Looks like you got some film cans.
Well, some people bring their resumes. I've brought my own movie.
Really. Well, good for you.
I just shot this baby for Screen Classics. It opens next week.
Screen Classics? No, I don't know them.
There's something you should know.
Nobody in town has seen this picture, so I'm giving you first crack at my talents.
Thank you.
And I'm anxious to see it.
So, what's up next for you?
I don't believe in thinking small, so I've got a whole slate of pictures for you.
You ready? Okay.
"The Vampire's Tomb."
"The Ghoul Goes West."
And...
"Doctor Acula."
Doctor Acula? I don't get it.
"Doctor...
Racula."
Oh, I get it.
I don't like it.
But it'll star Bela Lugosi.
Bela Lugosi? Lugosi's all washed-up. What else you got?
Well, I do have another project.
I wasn't going to tell you about it.
Lugosi's in it, but it's a small part.
The lead is an ingenue,
a sterling, young actress... Dolores Fuller.
The title of the film:
"Bride Of The Atom"!
Ah.
Atomic age stuff, huh?
I like it. I like it.
I tell you what, Mr Ward. Why don't you leave your film cans with me,
and my associates and I will take a look at your little opus
and maybe we can do some business together.
Take care. Beware.
Pull the string! Pull the string!
What the hell is this?
- Is this an actual movie? - It can't be!
"Give this man satin undies, a dress, sweater and skirt"
"or even the lounging outfit he has on"
"and he's the happiest human being in the world." - Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. That guy in the dress.
That's the guy I met today.
Oh, this has got to be a put-on.
"These things are his comfort."
This is probably another one of Billy Wellman's practical jokes.
"He just entered the street dressed in the clothes he so much desires to wear."
"But, only if he really appears female:"
"long hair, make-up, clothing, the actual contours of a girl." - Oh, God!
-"Most transvestites do not want to change their life, their bodies." -This is funny, this is funny.
Thank you.
Georgie, what happened? I thought Glen Or Glenda? was opening this week. Where's the ads?
Where's the ads? The ads are in Alabama, Indiana, Missouri, you schmuck!
It ain't gonna play in L.A.!
- Why not? - Nobody wants to see this piece of shit!
- Hey, you can't talk that way about my movie! - Your movie? I wish it was your movie!
I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever made into making this stink bomb!
And if I ever see ya again, I'll kill you!
Hello?
Georgie?
- Guess where I'm going next week? - I don't know. Where?
Mexico.
- Guess what I'm doing when I get there. - I don't know. Lie on a beach.
Wrong. I'm getting my first series of hormone injections.
When those girls kick in...
they're gonna take out my organs and make me a woman.
- Are you serious? - It's something I've wanted to do for a long time.
But it wasn't until I saw your movie that I realized I have to take action!
- Goodbye, penis! - Would you please keep it down.
The "Super Swedish Angel," Tor Johnson!
My gosh, look at that guy. He's a mountain!
And after I'm a woman, Jean-Claude and I are going to be married.
- I'm going to be a June bride. - He's a monster.
Can you imagine what that guy would look like in a movie?
Yeah, yeah! Yeah!
Mmm. More neck.
- Mr Johnson, congratulations on your victory. - Thank you.
- Did you bring my water? - No, I'm not the water boy.
I'm a movie director.
- Movies? Like the Mickey Mouse? - Sure.
- I'll get you next week! - Yeah, right. In your dreams!
Tor... Uh, Mr Johnson.
- You ever fancy the notion of becoming an actor? - Not good-looking enough.
Well, I think you're quite handsome.
Do my toes.
So, anyway, I've got this new script, Bride Of The Atom,
and there's a part I believe you're ideal for.
Lobo. He's tough, he's a brute.
But he's got a good heart. At the end of the picture, he saves the girl.
I like! When do movie shoot?
Hopefully, very soon.
I'm just waiting for the final okay from my good pal at Warners, Mr Feldman.
- Wood Productions. - Eddie, help me.
- Bela? - Eddie, please come over.
Bela?
Bela!
Bela? What happened?
Eddie.
I didn't feel well.
- Come on, let me get you to the hospital. - No hospital.
Just take me to the couch.
- Should I call a doctor? - No.
This happens all the time.
Is there anything I can get for you? Water or a blanket?
Goulash.
I don't know how to make goulash.
Bela, what's in the needle?
Morphine.
With a Demerol chaser.
Oh, Eddie. Eddie, I'm so broke.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Don't worry, Bela.
I won't let you down.
Mr Feldman? Ed Wood.
Yeah, listen, I haven't been able to get through, so I just showed up.
Yeah! Right out front.
So, we gonna be working together?
Really? Worst film you ever saw.
Well, my next one will be better.
Hello. Hello.
I'm no good.
Oh, Ed, it was just one man's opinion.
Bela needs a job. I can't even get a film going.
Of course I can't. I made the worst movie of all time.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
All I wanna do is tell stories.
The things that I find interesting.
Well, maybe you're not studio kind of material.
Maybe you just need to raise the money yourself.
The movie is called Bride Of The Atom.
It will star Bela Lugosi.
There are quarter shares available at $15,000 each.
Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi.
He's still alive.
Huh? Is he available Friday night?
Well, gee, I suppose so. Why?
"Greetings, I am the Count."
"Greetings, I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure."
"(Audience laughs, applauds) Say, that's a kooky place to sleep."
- "It is my home." - "Oh, tract housing, huh? (Laugh)"
- "You need a new real estate agent."
"I beg to differ."
"This casket incap... incarpertate..."
No, Bela, that's "incorporates."
Look, why don't you just say, "This casket has..."
How do they expect a Hungarian to pronounce this dialogue?
This... this live television is madness!
Furthermore, I predict
by April 19... 1970,
I predict men will have colonized Mars.
Millions of people will live there.
Wow! Ain't that something?
And now we take you to a castle in Transylvania.
Watch out. The landlord's a real pain in the neck.
Greetings! I am the Count!
Greetings, pal! I'm Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure!
Hey, what a kooky place to sleep.
Kind of reminds me of my house. What a dump!
Some places got a Murphy bed; this place got a Murphy shower.
I still don't know where to hang the towels.
I beg to differ.
Beg to differ? A bloodsucker, right? I'm talking about my towels.
Greetings! I... am the Count!
- Damn!
A bum is what he is. I told you we should've got Karloff!
- Ah, don't worry about it, Bela. You're better than all this. - I never said I could ad-lib.
- Forget it! We'll make our own movie and you'll be a big star again. - Aha!
Mr Lugosi, it is an unparalleled privilege to meet you, sir.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Criswell.
It's a pleasure.
Ahh, cheer up. Don't lose heart over what happened tonight.
I predict... your next project will be an outstanding success!
Wow!
And who may you be?
- Edward D. Wood, Jr. - Ahh!
- The director of Glen Or Glenda? - How'd you know?
I am Criswell. I know all.
And... bingo! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bring me two more Beefeater martinis.
Ed, uh, another whisky.
Dagmar, a rum and coke?
Moustapha and King are Chablis.
Bela, would you like a wine?
No. I never drink wine.
Say, Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970?
- I guessed. - Really?
I made it up.
It's horse shit.
Eddie, there's no such thing as a psychic.
People believe my folderol because I wear a black tuxedo.
- It's that easy? - Eddie, we're in show biz.
It's all about razzle-dazzle, appearances.
If you look good and you talk well, people will swallow anything.
We are going to have the most terrifying monster ever seen on film.
A ghastly creature created from an atomic mutation!
I don't like scary movies.
I like the ones with love stories.
That's just what this movie is: a heartbreaking romance.
You're quite a specimen.
- And you're going to be in the picture? - Yeah. I play Lobo.
I predict Bride Of The Atom will be the biggest moneymaker of all time.
And this is lovely starlet Dolores Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton.
My pleasure, ma'am. Now, how much will this picture cost?
Well, in a normal studio it'd be about a million bucks
with all their wasteful overhead and fancy offices.
But we're more efficient, so we could bring it in at about 70 grand.
Oh. Well, I shall certainly consider it.
- Well, goodbye. - Good night, Ed. Keep in touch.
Goodbye.
Well, Eddie, how'd we do?
We didn't make a nickel.
I cannot believe I'm in Hollywood.
- You know, Daddy didn't want me to move out here. - Uh-huh.
Ma'am, your bill comes to $2.20.
Oh, uh, okay. I hope you don 't mind
but all I have is a fifty; I just came from my banker's.
- That's all right. - Thank you.
Excuse me. You just moved here?
Yes. Hollywood is, oh, so exciting.
Isn't it?
Pleased to make your acquaintance. I'm Loretta King.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
- Hi. Would you like some water? - No!
No water. No liquids.
I'm terribly allergic to them.
You know, I work in Hollywood. I'm a producer.
Really? Wow!
I would love to be involved in that.
Is that right? Well, maybe I can help you out.
Have you ever thought about investing in a motion picture?
Perhaps a small amount of money. How much do your motion pictures cost?
Well, my new one, I think, would be about $60,000.
That's all? That seems very reasonable for an entire picture.
Would you... Would you like to, uh...
- have a look at the... at the photoplay? - Oh, sure.
Oh, my.
This is very interesting.
Say, do you think it would be possible for me to maybe play one of these parts?
Oh, you want to be an actress too. Well, of course.
There's a couple of parts I can think of right now that you might be perfect for.
There's, uh, the secretary in the newspaper office, the file clerk, um...
Hmm. Those sound kind of small.
Here's one that looks good... Janet Lawton.
I'd sure like to play her.
- Janet Lawton. - Yes.
Janet Lawton is clearly the part to play.
Can't you just see me in the part?
Yes!
You'd be perfect.
You bastard!
You two-timing, dress-wearing son of a bitch!
Honey, it was the only way I could get the movie made!
Who do you think's been paying the rent?
Who's been helping you type your scripts and do all your grunt work?
- I am sorry! What did you want me to say? - You were supposed to say "NO".
"I wrote that part for my girlfriend Dolores!"
Snowball, there are plenty of other parts.
Like what?
- The secretary, the file clerk. - Aaaaah!
You... asshole!
This is gonna be Bela's laboratory, so it should be real impressive,
just like one of those "Mad Scientist" movies.
I want test tubes, beakers and one of those electrical things that buzzes.
- You mean a Tesla coil? - Fine. Whatever. Hop to it!
Right! Right.
- Eddie? - Yes?
- Which dress do you like better? - Hmm. I don't know.
Say, Bill, which dress works better for you, the red one or the green one?
- Which one is the red one? - What do you mean?
I mean, I can't see the difference; I'm colour blind.
But I kinda like the dark grey one.
At Universal, we used to shoot one or two scenes a day.
But Eddie can knock off twenty, thirty...
- He's incredible! - And... action!
Okay, you're Dr Eric Vornoff
and you're upset.
You've worked very hard on this experiment and you don't want to see it fail.
No, you're not that upset.
You wanna keep moving. You wanna go through that door.
And... cut! Beautiful.
Print it. Let's move immediately to scene 52.
- Tor, you in place? - Yeah.
- Great. Roll camera! - Rolling. Slate.
- Cue rainstorm.
And... action, Tor.
Okay. You're Lobo.
You're upset.
You've worked very hard helping Dr Vornoffwith this experiment.
You don't wanna see it fail.
No, no. You're not that upset.
You wanna keep moving. You've got to get through that door.
And cut! Perfect!
- Print it. Let's move on. - Don't you wanna do another take, Ed?
Looks like big baldy had a little trouble getting through the door.
No, it's fine. It's real.
You know, in actuality, Lobo would have to struggle with that problem every day.
All right, people, let's get ready. Actors! I must have my actors!
There you are. Loretta, Tor, I wanna explain this scene; it's a little complicated, but...
- Bela, you'll be sitting there. Okay?
I'm not getting near that goddamn thing.
- One of them burned me on The Return Of Chandu. - All right.
- Then you'll be sitting there. - Good!
Great. All right, gang, here's the scene.
Loretta, you're in a trance; you glide in and get on the operating table.
Now, Tor, you're supposed to tie her down, but you have an angora fetish
and when you rub that swatch of angora, it makes you refuse.
So then Bela has to discipline you. All right? Great! Let's do it!
Action!
Strap her to the table.
Do as I command you!
- I'll teach you to disobey me! - Aaaargh!
- You will obey! - Uhhhh!
- Strap her in! - Uhhhh!
Strap her in! I command you!
- Wood! Your cheque bounced. - I'll get you the money later.
- No, I need it now. - I'll teach you to disobey me!
Cut!
I am terribly sorry to bother you while you're shooting
but the guy that owns the stage needs his money.
Well, then, you should pay him, shouldn't you?
Yes. Exactly.
I kind of need it now.
What are you looking at me like that for?
I already gave you my 300.
Right.
And now I need the other 60,000.
What other 60,000?
The other 60,000 you said you'd give to me.
You misunderstood, Eddie.
I gave you everything I have in the world... $300.
Well, here we go again.
Let me tell you, you can't lose.
It's scary. And if you don't like that, it's romantic.
Bela Lugosi will portray Dr Eric Vornoff.
And lovely, lovely, lovely ingenue Loretta King
is reporter Janet Lawton.
- I don't know. Lugosi looks pretty old. - Huh?
Which role does Vampira play?
Vampira? Why do you ask?
She's standing right over there.
Well, she plays...
Excuse me one minute.
Pardon me. Miss Vampira?
- Yes? - You don't know me, but I'm Ed Wood.
I'm a film producer and I'm currently in production on a science fiction piece
with Bela Lugosi and Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson.
I don't understand. Do you want my autograph?
No.
No, I... I think my film is perfect for you.
Want me to show it on my TV programme. I have nothing to do with that.
- You should call the station manager at Channel 7. - No, no. No, no, no, no.
I don't want you to show the movie, I want you to be in it. Let me explain.
We started shooting, but after three days we got shut down.
Now we're having a backers party to raise some more money.
So I thought perhaps you'd like to come over just to say "howdy" to some of the backers.
Look, I'm with some friends and we're about to eat.
Please! It would just take one second.
Come over and meet the backers. There is a really nice dentist from Oxnard.
Look, buddy, I've got real offers from real studios.
I don't need to blow some dentist for a part. Forget it.
Miss Vampira!
- Please. - Oh! Let's go.
I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Let's get out of here.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Thank you, folks, for coming tonight, but we better go.
And then Dr Vornoff falls into the pit
and his own octopus attacks and eats him.
- The end. - Whew!
- Well, that's quite a story. - Yes.
So, uh, you made the movie...
and now you wanna make it again?
No.
We shot ten minutes of the movie, and now we're looking for completion funds.
Oh, son, you're too vague.
Billy Bob!
You're cutting 'em too lean.
Mr McCoy.
- How can I make you happy?
Okay.
Two things.
Number one: I want the movie to end with a big explosion.
Sky full of smoke.
Yes.
But it ends with Dr Vornoff falling into the pit.
Not any more.
Number two:
I got a son.
He's a little slow, but a good boy.
And something tells me he'd make a hell of a leading man.
Sounds perfect.
This is unbelievable.
I would bet a million bucks that Ed wouldn't finish this picture.
Yeah, well, it ain't finished yet, kid; anything can happen.
Stay out of scratching distance.
- Oh, Poodle, you made it. I wasn't sure you got my message. - Well, of course I made it.
- Today's the file clerk's big scene. - That's right.
I see the usual gang of misfits and dope addicts are here.
- Janet, I want you... - Say, who's the lug?
Str... I want you staying away from the old Willows place.
Why, that's Tony McCoy. He will be portraying Lieutenant Dick Craig.
Really?
- How much money did he put up? - None. But his dad gave me fifty grand.
Hmm. Wood Productions, the mark of quality.
Listen, the movie's getting made; that's all that matters.
- Hello, Harry. - Oh, hi, Dolores.
Oh! You're Dolores.
I've heard so much about you.
I'm Loretta King. Oh, here, take the chair.
Oh, don't be silly. Let Harry finish.
You still need some more work.
No. I'm finished.
- All I needed was a touch-up. - Hmm. That mole still shows.
Uh, ladies! You both look fine.
Why don't we talk about the scene?
Okay, Janet Lawton has just discovered
that Dr Vornoff bought the old Willows estate
so now she wants to prove that all the monster stories are true.
Well, Eddie, what's my motivation?
You're the file clerk. You're running into the next room and bump into Janet.
What is our relationship? Are we good friends, or is she just a casual acquaintance?
Dolores, I have five days to complete this picture.
Don't get goofy on me.
Action!
- Hi, Janet. - Oh, hi, Marge.
- Janet, still on the monster hunt? - What do you think?
I think the boss has been looking for you all day.
Something about the police wanting those monster stories 86'd.
- You've got the whole town in a panic. - I can't hear you.
- I said, you've got the who... - I know what you said, but I can't hear you.
I get it. See you later.
And... cut! That was perfect.
Of course it was.
Bra-vo! Bravo!
- Magnifico. - Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot.
Naturally. Always happy to help with a little larceny.
All right, everybody, that's it for today.
The prop crew has a little errand to run. Paul. Connie.
Darn. I thought they kept this open.
Lobo will fix!
Good boy.
- Wow! - This place gives me the creeps.
- Let's get the hell outta here. - Not so fast. Not until we get it down.
There it is. Paul, go unhook it.